Ties That Bind

I didn't go to church today.  Yes, on Easter Sunday we did not go to church.  I'm a heathen.  I get it.  We really haven't gone to church with any regularity for, um, the last 3 years or so.  I know, I know...

But I did have a very wonderful sunrise service all of my own this morning.  After my husband left for work I sat on our front steps with my coffee and watched the sun come up over the hills.  It was really beautiful.  And everything was just nature.  No cars went by, no people, no radios.  Just the sounds of birds and the creek and the steers chomping on grass.  So I sat and had my time with the Lord.  And I would put that up against most corporate worship any day.  

Once the kids were up and had their breakfast of bacon and pancakes remotely shaped like bunny heads, we had our own church service in the living room.  My favorite gospel is the Book of John so that is what I turned to when I began to talk to them about the meaning of today.  I flipped through the book, skimming the descriptive paragraph headings to find the beginning of the story of Easter.  But as I got to His prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane I stopped at a passage that I had underlined in chapter 17.  Jesus had been praying for his disciples but he also goes on to pray for "those who will believe in Me through their word." (John 17:20 NKJV, emphasis mine)  

Which means, He prayed for me before He went to the cross.  He prayed for my children and my husband and for people that I don't even know and some that I don't even like.  We were on his mind before he undertook the rest of the Easter story.  Before the rest of the events we know so well took place, He was feeling the weight of our belief and praying for our lives.  That twists something inside my heart when I think about it and it's both sorrowful and beautiful.  It's a binding of my heart to His, a connection to Him that is as tangible as any I ever felt. 

I mean, here He was, in the Garden, knowing what was in store for Him, praying that if there was another way, please let it be but accepting God's will and preparing Himself for it.  The human-ness of that moment is a stark contrast to the etherial, miracle-working Jesus that can be, at times, hard to connect with on a personal level.  He was scared.  And in the midst of that fear, He still thought of His followers across the span of ages to come.  It just blows my mind.

So that was our Easter service this morning...we didn't even get to the rest of the story because I felt like this little gem of a verse gets lost in the preamble and yet holds so much of what we should know about those events.  I wanted my kids to know that they were on His mind and He thought of each of them before He went to the cross.  His hand is in each of our lives, has been since before we were thoughts and cells and the drawing of breath.  He is not vacant from our day to day, He doesn't sit aloft and watch the clockwork spin and tick.  He is a personal savior, involved and invested, and we are tightly bound to Him by cords of faith and deeds, mercy and redemption.  A point He drove home with that verse and 3 nails.  

My trip to Costco (also called "Amy loses her shit")

I have been waiting for today for months.  Planning.  Saving. Writing lists.  Rewriting lists.  I write a lot of lists.  My bi-annual trip to Costco.  We only go in the Spring and in the Fall to stock up on certain items:  toilet paper, paper towels, contact solution, vitamins, trash sacks, etc.  Basically things that are cheaper there than at our usual shopping spot:  Winco.

I know some people hate Winco but I love it!  Those pajama wearing, child smacking, loudly cussing, cheapskates are my peeps!  Seriously, though...at least they know and obey the basic rules of the road like driving your cart on the right side.  This is something that the people at Costco just don't get.  They cannot grasp the rudimentary skill of moving through the aisles.  'Oh here, let me park my cart with 2 items in it right in the middle of the aisle so that you, who are driving an overfull flatbed, must try to maneuver around me'.  Really people???

And I have no patience for people who come to Costco and get less than 5 items.  That is not how you shop Costco.  I have been going to Costco since I was a teenager with my mom and we had to drive 50 miles to get there because they weren't as popular then.  Yea, I shopped Costco before it was cool.  Anyway, we stocked up.  No, you don't get it.  We drove a Chevrolet Caprice Classic station wagon, do you know how big those things are?  They are freakin' road whales.   We got so much stuff that it was squatting so bad that we couldn't drive it home.  No shit.  We had to call my sister-in-law to come up and help us bring our haul home.  Now, that is how you shop Costco.

Another thing you don't see at Costco:  people stopping to go through their grocery list and tally the cost.  At Winco everyone does that!  I've made my own shopping list template that has a spot to write down the amount of each item because when you use cash you have to know this shit.  No one wants to get to the checkout and come up short on money.  But the people in Costco looked at me like I was a dumbass when we would pull our carts over (out of the way mind you!) and start tallying up the cost of what we had so far.  And we had to go back around the store and put certain items back because we were over our budget.  Shocking!

Let me just highlight the fun I had today:

• We used 2 flatbeds, driven by me and my eldest daughter.  The youngest one, who is 11, was standing on the flatbed while eldest pushed it.  Two older ladies came by and, frowning, expressed their opinion that she should not be doing that.  I just looked at them and told them to mind their own business.  This was about 10 minutes into our adventure.
• Later on, as we were making a second round through the aisles to put some of it back, a gentleman stopped in the aisle right in front of us.  He was facing us so he looked right at me and then got on his phone for a very long conversation.  Without moving out of the way.  Right.  In.  The.  Middle.  Of.  The.  Aisle.   And then had the gall to look at me like he was annoyed at me for eavesdropping on his call.  So I called him a tool as I steered around him.  
• Every person that made some comment about 'prepping' or outright asked me if we were 'preppers' got the stink eye.  Yes, I realize that most people don't buy 3 cases of toilet paper, 2 cases of paper towels and several sacks of flour & sugar but I'm not digging bunkers people.  I'm just stocking the pantry & linen closet for then next 6 months.  

I will say that there was one good experience.  The couple that was in line behind us commented on how much we were buying (of course) but seemed genuinely appreciative of my twice-a-year plan.  When the lady saw my list she commented on how organized I was.  When we paid in cash (and came in $2 under budget, I might add) she commented to her husband how rare it was to see that anymore.  I felt vindicated and almost forgave the people of Costco, en mass, until some idiot flew through the parking lot way too close to the cart being pushed by my eldest.  Thank goodness I don't have to be back here for another 6 months...

No major crimes...

The other night I ran into a old high school friend that I haven't seen in...let's see, 22 years.  Shit, I'm old.  Anyway, this guy is only a year younger than me but as we got to talking about our families I found out that he has a 7 month old.  Interesting...I have a 15 year old.  Again I say:  I'm old.

That got me thinking about the different things you experience as a parent when your kids start growing up.  Anyone with older kids will totally get this, I'm sure.  For those that don't, let me explain.  There's a shift that happens in your responsibilities as a parent when your kids reach a certain age and after a lot of thought, here's the best way I can explain it:

When your children are small/young, your job is to meet their needs.  When they are hungry, you feed them.  When they are tired, you put them down for a nap.  When they mess up, you teach them right & wrong.  You are meeting their needs and it consumes your life.  They have a need, you fill it, job done, yeah mom.  You are shaping these little heathens in the hopes that they become reasonably well-adjusted members of society and don't commit any major crimes.  Fingers crossed.

Then they reach a certain point in their lives where things change.  I can't put an age on it because I think it's probably different for each kids but I'm going to say it's around middle school age.  All of a sudden these kids turn into little humans.  And they develop needs that you can't meet.  You can't fix it or make it go away...you have to let them live through it.  And live through it with them.  For example, if they are having trouble with other kids at school who think they aren't "cool" enough...no snack or nap is going to fill that need.  You can to talk to your kids about who their true friends are and about standing up for themselves but you can't actually do it for them.  You can't go to the school and tell the other kids that they are little brats and that you hope they grow up to be empty shells living in their parent's basement working a dead-end job reliving their glory days every weekend at the local bar and wondering why they peaked in high school.  Wait, what was I saying?

Anyway, you can't fix the mess-ups and losses and the embarrassing moments.  You just have to help them cope with them and move on.  But just like my fear of heights is greatly amplified when the kids are up high (just ask my husband about the near mental breakdown I had at Crater Lake when he tried to pose the kids on a ledge for a picture...it was freakin' epic.) the hurt of the situation is amplified when you can't protect them.

So that's the change:  when your kid's needs change from the ones you can meet to the ones you can't.  And that's a painful transition for a parent.  You feel everything your kid goes through even more when you know there's not a damn thing you can do about it.  And it's not something you can really explain to the parents of younger kids...you just have to live it.  And feel it.  And hope like hell that you somehow managed to give your kid the skills needed to navigate the situation and come out the other side better for it.  And that they don't grow up to commit any major crimes.  Just felt the need to reiterate that one....

Work is work, no matter where it happens

"Do you work outside the home?"

I guess this has become the PC way to ask if you are a stay at home mom or not.  But, personally, this particular question drives me nuts.  Mostly because I don't know how to answer it.  See, I work 2 jobs (and considering a third) but I don't work outside the home.  I have a pretty sweet set-up with a home office and it works great for my work as a trade show manager and a director for a non-profit ag organization.  So I know what people are really asking when they pose that question, "do you have a job?", and the answer is "yes, thanks" but the technically correct answer is "no, I don't work outside the home".  

My head always vapor locks for a second before I answer because I'm trying to work out what is the most honest answer.  Perhaps I should just forget about an honest answer and come up with something far more interesting.  "No, my husband has only let me off the chain for this trip to town" or "Does mowing the lawn count?" or something else witty that I apparently can't think of at this moment.

I think the reason people ask the question is because we still have a divide in our culture between women who have a job and those who don't.  That's what it comes down to...people can banter back and forth about the correct terminology but let's just call it as it is.  Do you have a job or do you stay at home?  People have demonized both choices and that's why we have an entirely new vocabulary to describe what we do.  "Stay at home mom" is now almost a slur...we try to come up with ways to explain all the things we do as moms:  domestic goddess, domestic engineer, family management, the list goes on.  And in our attempt to justify our choice to stay with our children, we cast doubt on those of us who choose to (or have to) work a job in addition to being moms.  And then moms with jobs feel that we need to justify our choice by reminding everyone that we do all the household work AND hold a job.  It really doesn't help any of us...women divided against women over a personal choice just holds us all back.

You'll notice that I took ownership in both descriptions when I talked about moms at home and moms with jobs.  That's because I feel that I have one foot firmly planted in each side.  An odd position to be in and one that comes with it's own unique set of pros & cons.  To be sure, it's a blessing for me.  My work is mostly performance based so I can manage my time as needed.  This lets me take off time to go to a school play, soccer practice or doctors appointment without having to punch a clock or arrange for time off.  I can work at 5 am or 10 pm, as long as I get stuff done.  With 3 kids who play sports in town (we live 12 miles out) and a small farm and a husband who works 24 hr. shifts, that is huge!  This type of flexibility is enough of a benefit for me that it has kept me from seeking out higher paying, more conventional jobs that might actually have retirement benefits and the like.  For our family dynamic, this is the best thing for all of us.

An average day for me can consist of getting the kids off to school then working in the barn then making bread and then settling in at my desk, all before 10 am.  And, if I need to take advantage of good weather to work in the garden or clean the chicken coop,  I know that I can catch up on desk work at night or when it's yucky outside.  Like today, my youngest is home sick but I don't have to rearrange my schedule too much to be there for her and still get my work done.  And in between business calls I'm taking calls from the high school about my son's class schedule and making dentist appointments  It's a multi-taskers dream!

What is also means is that I never really leave my work behind.  I'm always checking my email and I  always have a To-Do list.  It also means that my kids don't always understand that I have to keep some kind of office hours, even when they are home from school for various reasons.  I have to balance my time pretty well to make it all work so I wake up early and I stay up late to get it all done.  And I take my work very personally so it means a lot of stress if the show isn't filling up like it should or if the membership numbers are down...regardless of other responsible factors,  like the economy, I feel a constant pressure to make it profitable and viable.  So sometimes there's more stress involved with this type of job because it's entwined with the rest of my daily life and not something that I leave behind when I leave an office.  But again, it's worth the flexibility that gives me time with my family.

So yeah, I have a weird set up.  And it makes answering that ridiculous question a little difficult.  But never fear, I'm sure I'll come up with some type of smartass remark that will satisfy as an answer...perhaps a bit more coffee will help the thought process.